This love

I told Sheila what happened, and it was pretty close to the truth, she just doesn't know how strong my feeling was, and still is.

I always knew how I felt about D, during all these years, but never as strong as now. It was strong enough to ruin a trip for me, I blame other things as well, but I know it was her. On Friday night, in the club, for a moment, I was cheating, not physically, but mentally. I was thinking about another woman when I should be thinking about my woman. I still love Kelly, but that did not prevent me from the jealous rage on Sunday and the continues emotional turbulence.

I always feel that I am better than that, I am better than most men out there who just can't stay faithful, for moments this weekend, I was on the brink of breaking the promise for myself, I will never be 'THAT' person. I didn't, I am glad I didn't, if I did break it, I would have no idea what kind of mental shape I would be in right now.

I asked her the question, if I asked her out, would she have gone out with me? She said she doesn't know, of course she doesn't know, that's just a polite way to say 'sorry'. I don't think I can make her happy, she is not into my 'type', and I am not sure she is my type, but again, the feeling is senseless and irrational, and I can't do anything except to let me torture me every waking moment since Sunday.

I thought I have a lot to write, but I don't, I am screwed, I hope I can feel better, but I don't think I will. I shouldn't see her again, I shouldn't contact her, that's the only way I know to take some pain away, but I know that's not going to happen. Something will happen, and I am going to hurt myself.