Stalker

I am a stalker, not in a freaky way like most people think about that word, more like a silent figure in the shadow that observe but rarely interfere. I know that still doesn't sound right, but in some way, that's a part of who I am. Someone who gathers information but rarely uses that information against other people. Someone who’s need to know is simply that, the need to know and rarely anything more. Of course I am not actually a stalker, I don't follow people around at night, park in front of their house and peek into their windows and I have no desire to do anything like that.

I know, this is freaking you out, trust me, this is freaking me out as I am typing this, it makes me feel like I am some sick psycho who spends the nights in front of my PC surfing thru people's blogs. Well, that's kinda of what I do, but isn't that what things like blogs and friendsters are for? It satisfies the need for people to know and more importantly, the need for people to be watched. Let's face it, we all want to be popular, we all want to be the center of attention, but not all of us have the charisma to be the center of the attention in real life, or have enough courage to let people know that you care about them.

But at the end, the odds are, it doesn't matter, people don't care if you care about them, and people don't care about you. That's why people stalk, there is no way to be rejected, and that's why people put themselves out there, because they tell themselves that people are (or may be) paying attention to them. It's sad if you think about it.. ..

The Lord's Prayer

Our Father in heaven,

Hallowed be your name,

Your kingdom come,

Your will be done,

On earth as in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Save us from the time of trial,

And deliver us from evil.

For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours,

Now and forever.

World Cup Post ( I know this is late!!)

I just realized that didn't post anything about the World Cup so these will have to do

"It's a simple thing. Just a ball and a goal. But once every four years that simple thing drastically changes the world. It closes the schools, closes the shops, closes the city, stops a war. A simple ball fuels the passion and pride of nations, gives people everywhere something to hope for, gives countries respect where respect is in short supply and achieves more than the politicians ever could. Once every four years a ball does the impossible. And if history means anything the world as we know it is about to change."

"After three years of civil war feuding factions talked for the first time in years. And the president called a truce. Because the Ivory Coast qualified for its first ever World Cup. As everyone knows a country united makes for better cheerleaders than a country divided. " - If this story doesn't bring tears to your eyes, I don't know what will.

This I believe

I believe... ...

Why has no one ever loved me?

I won't fall in love, I won't get married, I won't grow old with someone, not with you or anyone... ...

Standard New Year Post

This is the first post since mid November, nothing really happened since that day, yet many things have changed. For starter, the imminent end finally came, in a form of a rude phone call. It was the sum of everything I was afraid of, and much more. Then there was the long silence, a couple of ignored phone calls, a long conversation and another extended period of silence. One would think it would play itself out after all these times, but it is as confusing as ever. I really don't know what to think about it anymore, thinking has done nothing but add to the confusion and somehow I have to put a stop to it the only way I know, by ignoring the problem.

---

I met this girl, and she is interesting, it is not certain that she is interesting because she is actually interesting or it's due to my current state of mind, but she is interesting. This weekend in Austin was supposed to be my opportunity to sort things out a little bit more, but for whatever reason, it will have to wait. But for now, she is interesting.

---

Montreal was nice, the overall rating of the trip would be B, many good things happened, but some crappy stuff happened as well. Things I would have done differently next time going on a trip are

1. Make sure to keep all the wires secure in the bag and medicine bottle on me
2. Make sure the lodging isn't too bad, granted, I got more than what I paid for, but still.. ..
3. Don't be afraid to ditch traveling companions, especially when they clearly have different interests.
4. Get some cash while you can; you never know where to find an ATM in a foreign country.
5. Go on credit, easier to track how much you have spent.
6. Drinking with friends is fun, but you need a group.
7. People get annoying after a few days, nothing you can do about it.
8. Dress according to the weather!
9. There is such thing as too ghetto in a party

Lots of pictures were taken and the overall quality was actually pretty nice. I just need to find a good place to host it.

---

2005 in review. A lot of things actually happened this year; it should go down as one of the landmark years in my life. First job, family passing away, multiple trips to different places, lost of love, lust and all kinds of different emotional up and downs. I learned a lot, and I hope the experiences I gained would help me to shape my life in a positive way. It's a hope, since it's far more likely that the negative impacts would drive me down to a path I feel I am already leaning into.

---


Oh yah~, it's 2006, another new year, another chance to screw up a whole new set of New Year’s resolution.

1. First and foremost, I gotta get back on track for my physical conditioning, that's one thing I paid no attention of this whole year and the result shows. My weight is as high as ever and my condition is as bad as ever (well, in a long time). There are not many years left, and if I don't get my body back in shape, it would be very difficult to do it later.
2. Second, I consider paying off my credit card bill as one of the major positives of the year. It's time to get my finance setup. This is the year that I should start doing research about real money management, saving and eventually, investment. It will be a major learning experience, but a critical part to setup for the rest of my life.
3. Third, grade, after a good semester, guess what, it was followed by a BAD semester. With all the crap that happened, and the work load, the time management certainly has a lot of room to improve.
4. Forth, grade leads up to job, while the job is pretty good right now; it's time to look for the next stop. With graduation coming up in August and my discontent in Dallas, I gotta start looking for a way out. Since my degree won't do me much good, improvements have to be made in other areas such as experience, preparation and research.
5. Citizenship, this is the year it has to be done. With the blue little book, both traveling and job searching will be easier. After all these years, it's time to stop the delay and get it done.

Honorable mentions: Girlfriend, more travel, social circle, cable TV, another UT Championship, new car, etc etc.. ..

The empty chair

The empty chair, staring at me, constantly reminding of what's missing.. ..

Congratulation to Scott and Marian, it is the best wedding I have ever attended and I seriously doubt that someone is going to top it. Everything went beautifully and I hope it's a good omen for their marriage.

I can't help it, wedding just isn't a good thing for people in my frame of mind. It's like being single on Valentine's Day, things just aren't right no matter what. At our table, there were four couples, me and an empty chair, it's impossible to NOT think about it, it's like trying to ignore a giant mole on someone's face. No matter how beautiful the girl maybe, that mole would ruin everything. When all the couples started to dance and you are left at the table making small talk to groom's brother, who is a JUNIOR in high school, you know your life is pathetic.

I will think over this whole thing on my way back to Dallas tomorrow, hopefully i can get something more meaningful.

Good Boy

Surprise surprise, this is not a relationship post!

I have been referred as "The goodboy" by my friends for a while now, and I do consider that label a compliment. However, I believe being a good boy is no longer enough for me. There is only one life to live and just being 'good' doesn't seem to be good enough anymore. Anyone can be good, good simply means you are better than average, and that really doesn't say much. Let's face it, the society as a whole has a fairly low standard, average American don't even have a college degree and comparing to the people around the globe, the standard of being average is even lower!

I want to be exceptional, I am no where near when my potential can take me and I am wasting the opportunities that were given to me for no apparent reason. If there is a Creator, my life right now can not be what it intended to be. And for a more selfish reason, I want more in my life, being a better person, learn more, being smarter improve both my physical and mental being.

I need the will power to carry this out, be strong and will myself to become the person I can be, be the person I want to be.