Season of Love

It has been 9 days since my last post, and there hasn't been a day I didn't think about it. I really didn't have much of a chance in that setting, the location was perfect, the person was right, the mood was romantic, everything was just perfect.

It was more like a fantasy than reality, each and every element aligned perfectly and everything I want were focused at that particular moment. How can you compete against the city of Seattle, ocean front restaurant, beautiful view of the pier, night club, music, alcohol and of course, the beautiful Di. That night, that moment, things were perfect, or at least as perfect as real life can be.

But it's not real, it was so far away from the actual reality that when I realize it, my mind went into a tail spin. I am glad to say that I am finally at the end of that tail spin and I may actually take some positives out of this. Hard work does have its awards, and there is a bigger and better world outside of Texas.

This love

I told Sheila what happened, and it was pretty close to the truth, she just doesn't know how strong my feeling was, and still is.

I always knew how I felt about D, during all these years, but never as strong as now. It was strong enough to ruin a trip for me, I blame other things as well, but I know it was her. On Friday night, in the club, for a moment, I was cheating, not physically, but mentally. I was thinking about another woman when I should be thinking about my woman. I still love Kelly, but that did not prevent me from the jealous rage on Sunday and the continues emotional turbulence.

I always feel that I am better than that, I am better than most men out there who just can't stay faithful, for moments this weekend, I was on the brink of breaking the promise for myself, I will never be 'THAT' person. I didn't, I am glad I didn't, if I did break it, I would have no idea what kind of mental shape I would be in right now.

I asked her the question, if I asked her out, would she have gone out with me? She said she doesn't know, of course she doesn't know, that's just a polite way to say 'sorry'. I don't think I can make her happy, she is not into my 'type', and I am not sure she is my type, but again, the feeling is senseless and irrational, and I can't do anything except to let me torture me every waking moment since Sunday.

I thought I have a lot to write, but I don't, I am screwed, I hope I can feel better, but I don't think I will. I shouldn't see her again, I shouldn't contact her, that's the only way I know to take some pain away, but I know that's not going to happen. Something will happen, and I am going to hurt myself.